Chaos is the seed of creation. I have always known this about myself. When everything around me is loud, unstable, moving too fast, something inside me wakes up. Ideas come. Solutions appear. I build, I fix, I create. I am a menace first and a woman second, and chaos is where the menace does her best work.
But here is the truth I have been avoiding. Thriving in chaos is not the same as being well in chaos. I can perform in the storm. That does not mean the storm is good for me. It just means I am very talented at drowning while looking productive.
For years I confused my ability to survive the chaos with a sign that the chaos was where I belonged. I told myself that the pressure made me sharp, that the mess made me creative, that I needed the fire to move. I am a Sagittarius with a natal chart that is basically all fire, so for the longest time I treated the burning as destiny. Of course I run hot. The stars said so. Some of that is real. But I left out the rest of the sentence. The fire that moves me is also the fire that burns me, and I kept warming my hands on it like, this is fine, this is cozy, this is my process.
I am tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes. The deeper kind. The kind that comes from being in fight mode for so long that calm starts to feel unfamiliar, almost suspicious, like peace is just chaos that has not introduced itself yet. And here is the embarrassing part. Boring times do not relax me. Boring times depress me. Give me a quiet week with nothing wrong and I start to go crazy, depressed. When you grow in hard ground, your roots get strong, but they also get used to struggle. You start to believe that ease means something is wrong. It does not. Ease is allowed. Nothing hurting is allowed to just mean nothing is hurting. Wild concept, I know.
What I actually want is for my present and my future to thrive in peace. Not in numbness. Not in emptiness. Not in that fake calm that is really just dissociating with good lighting. In peace. The kind of peace that still has movement and creation in it, but without the cost of bleeding for every idea like some cursed fairy tale girl making deals at a crossroads. I want to prove to myself that I can build beautiful things from a steady place, not only from a breaking one. Because so far my best work has come with burnout attached, and that is not a flex, that is a business running at a loss with great branding.
The seed does not need a hurricane to grow. It needs soil, water, light, and time. Boring, unsexy ingredients. The chaos was never the thing that made me creative. It was just the only condition I knew, so I gave it all the credit. I have been in a toxic relationship with my own adrenaline and I was the one writing the love letters.
So this is the shift I am choosing now. Chaos can still be a seed, but it is no longer the garden. I will let it spark something when it comes, because it always comes, and then I will plant that spark somewhere safe and let it grow slowly, on purpose, in peace. I am not abandoning the part of me that creates. I am still a Sagittarius. I am still all fire. I am still a menace. I am just going to be a menace who sleeps, because fire can keep you warm too, it does not only have to burn the house down.
Graciasss por leerme 🫶🏽
Génesis🍒
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